Northern Exposure

So there is this thing about me.  I have not worn a bathing suit since I was very young.  Like 6.  I was am a tomboy through and through.  See, I noticed that all the boys wore shorts when they swam, and I wanted to wear shorts too.  My mother made me wear a top, which I didn't understand until I was 12.

Anyway, up until sometime in December of 2010, I still wore shorts (tri shorts) and a tankini or a tri top when I swam.  I didn't think it was all that weird until I started frequenting the pool on a regular basis.  This is the first year that I have gotten to the pool every week since the lake got too cold to swim in.  Usually I get to the pool a few token times in the winter and then hit the early season completely out of swim shape.  Once the lake is swimmable (is that a word? I am making it a word.), I am out there much more frequently.

This year is different, with an Ironman on the horizon (just 196 days away), I am swimming every week.  This might not seem like very often, but the closest pool is 85-90 minutes away, so once a week is an effort I am proud of.  I understand this is light years away from what I should be doing to get better, but it is what I have to work with.


At the end of December, I finally bought a suit.  I actually bought 3 out of a grab bag from Splish.  I picked Splish because I thought they had really fun suits and I went with the grab bag because I am cheap.  I was really nervous that I would get something hideous like a pink suit (I also do not like pink. At all. I am 99% guy I swear) but they came and I actually liked them and I wore the first one without incident.  I actually felt like more of a swimmer wearing the suit, maybe even faster!

The next week (this was today) I thought, what the heck, I am going to give that black one a whirl.

That one, well, we had a little incident.

I was feeling pretty good, waltzing into the pool with my shiny new black suit on, a bathing suit still a novelty to me.  The straps were different on this one, but it looked like it fit good, it felt good, and I thought I was pretty cool.  I grabbed my stuff (pull buoy and kick board) and smiled at the nice young man who was lucky enough to have lifeguard duty today.  I had a wall lane and he was sitting right next to that lane.  I actually picked this lane, and there were others free.  This makes this even better.

I jump in and start my warm up.  I do one stroke, and my left boob is out of my suit.  What?  I push it back in and do another stroke. Right boob, out of the suit.  Seriously? Get back in there you. Now I don't want to stop, because I figure I am really going to draw some attention if I stop.  I mean, I am so close to this 20 year old life guard I can see the color of his eyes (blue) and now if I stop, I am right even with him and I am not even really sure everything is in the suit.

That would make this even more awkward.

So I keep going.  Stroking and putting my boobs back in the suit.  I thought that was the longest 25 yards of my life, except that for me to get to the locker room to change into the "safe suit" I need to swim back.  I think, "Maybe he didn't notice, I am just being paranoid."  I look over at the lifeguard.

When I make eye contact with him he looks down really quick at his book of calculus, seeming to be very judicioiusly studying, except that he has a huge smile on his face.

Crap.  He noticed.

OK I just need to get back across this lane.  I figured the breast stroke would be safe (no pun intended).  So I tried it, and when I started to get some speed (like on the first frog kick), the front of the suit filled up with water and both of my boobs popped out the sides of the suit.

Not even kidding.  I wish I could make this up.  That was much harder to try and fix as part of your stroke, because...well...you guys are going to have to figure out why.  I switch back to freestyle, figuring it would be faster.  Stroke, put the boob back, stroke, put the boob back...It turns out that THAT was the longest 25 yards of my life.

I pull myself out of the pool and run to the locker room and change into the suit from last week, which fortunately I brought with me.  The young lifeguard didn't even look up at me when I came back in, but he stayed in that chair for my entire swim - maybe hoping for another show.