Saturday, January 8, 2011

Northern Exposure

So there is this thing about me.  I have not worn a bathing suit since I was very young.  Like 6.  I was am a tomboy through and through.  See, I noticed that all the boys wore shorts when they swam, and I wanted to wear shorts too.  My mother made me wear a top, which I didn't understand until I was 12.

Anyway, up until sometime in December of 2010, I still wore shorts (tri shorts) and a tankini or a tri top when I swam.  I didn't think it was all that weird until I started frequenting the pool on a regular basis.  This is the first year that I have gotten to the pool every week since the lake got too cold to swim in.  Usually I get to the pool a few token times in the winter and then hit the early season completely out of swim shape.  Once the lake is swimmable (is that a word? I am making it a word.), I am out there much more frequently.

This year is different, with an Ironman on the horizon (just 196 days away), I am swimming every week.  This might not seem like very often, but the closest pool is 85-90 minutes away, so once a week is an effort I am proud of.  I understand this is light years away from what I should be doing to get better, but it is what I have to work with.


At the end of December, I finally bought a suit.  I actually bought 3 out of a grab bag from Splish.  I picked Splish because I thought they had really fun suits and I went with the grab bag because I am cheap.  I was really nervous that I would get something hideous like a pink suit (I also do not like pink. At all. I am 99% guy I swear) but they came and I actually liked them and I wore the first one without incident.  I actually felt like more of a swimmer wearing the suit, maybe even faster!

The next week (this was today) I thought, what the heck, I am going to give that black one a whirl.

That one, well, we had a little incident.

I was feeling pretty good, waltzing into the pool with my shiny new black suit on, a bathing suit still a novelty to me.  The straps were different on this one, but it looked like it fit good, it felt good, and I thought I was pretty cool.  I grabbed my stuff (pull buoy and kick board) and smiled at the nice young man who was lucky enough to have lifeguard duty today.  I had a wall lane and he was sitting right next to that lane.  I actually picked this lane, and there were others free.  This makes this even better.

I jump in and start my warm up.  I do one stroke, and my left boob is out of my suit.  What?  I push it back in and do another stroke. Right boob, out of the suit.  Seriously? Get back in there you. Now I don't want to stop, because I figure I am really going to draw some attention if I stop.  I mean, I am so close to this 20 year old life guard I can see the color of his eyes (blue) and now if I stop, I am right even with him and I am not even really sure everything is in the suit.

That would make this even more awkward.

So I keep going.  Stroking and putting my boobs back in the suit.  I thought that was the longest 25 yards of my life, except that for me to get to the locker room to change into the "safe suit" I need to swim back.  I think, "Maybe he didn't notice, I am just being paranoid."  I look over at the lifeguard.

When I make eye contact with him he looks down really quick at his book of calculus, seeming to be very judicioiusly studying, except that he has a huge smile on his face.

Crap.  He noticed.

OK I just need to get back across this lane.  I figured the breast stroke would be safe (no pun intended).  So I tried it, and when I started to get some speed (like on the first frog kick), the front of the suit filled up with water and both of my boobs popped out the sides of the suit.

Not even kidding.  I wish I could make this up.  That was much harder to try and fix as part of your stroke, because...well...you guys are going to have to figure out why.  I switch back to freestyle, figuring it would be faster.  Stroke, put the boob back, stroke, put the boob back...It turns out that THAT was the longest 25 yards of my life.

I pull myself out of the pool and run to the locker room and change into the suit from last week, which fortunately I brought with me.  The young lifeguard didn't even look up at me when I came back in, but he stayed in that chair for my entire swim - maybe hoping for another show.

66 comments:

KC (my 140 point 6 mile journey) said...

Ok Janet Jackson!! Wardrobe malfunction? You handled it very well. You're a smooth operator. I was thinking about doing a grab bag at splish or swim 2000 but now not so sure.

Ironman By Thirty said...

LOL!!! Wowza! Keep that up and maybe they will start paying YOU to come to the pool instead of the other way around! :)

Were there any other swimmers at the pool? Or was it just you and the lifeguard?

Katie V. said...

Haha amazing story! Thanks for sharing :) At least you made the lifeguard's day! I bet that can be a pretty boring job sometimes.

Happy Feet 26.2 said...

not the best day at the pool for you, but the BEST day for the life guard.

JohnP said...

Pics or it didn't happen! :)

Just sayin'.

Jennifer said...

Hilarious! Now this poor guy is going to get excited every time someone says "breast stroke." Looking forward to your recap of the 3rd suit test.

Jeff - DangleTheCarrot said...

hysterical!

Julie said...

You have got to be kidding me! That is my biggest fear in the pool. I'm constantly wondering if they've come out, sometimes things are just feeling too free... but when I check, things are always in place.

I wonder if your lifeguard has a blog and is also blogging about this episode?! It is such good blogging material :D

RockStarTri said...

WHERE IS YOUTUBE WHEN YOU NEED IT?

Megan said...

oh my goodness, I just literally laughed out loud! It's after reading these stories when I think I'm lucky for not having much...if ya know what i mean. :)

Detroit Runner said...

Hahaha! Funny story. At least funny now. Not so funny going through it.

TreeMapper said...

OK Mandy, that's too funny.... then I'm thinking, what a bummer for you.... then I'm wondering where are the pics?

Kelly said...

Hysterical! You'll remember that swim for a while...

skierz said...

I am laughing my ass off!! I hope it is with you! The lifeguard boy will be looking to pick up new shifts looking for the next Catarunk Girl to come to the pool! Keep swimming and keep looking for a new suit! PS, dont go to the grab bag! LOL

Alexa said...

oh my god! this is hilarious! sometimes I get some sideboob poking out but never.. the entire thing.

Amy said...

Holy crap I love you.

Andrew Opala said...

I'm udderly shocked!

Erin said...

I rarely laugh out loud, but this did it! Seriously, this made my day. Congrats on finishing the swim :)

Savannah said...

I too spent years in the shorts and top swim suit. When I made the switch to a regular suit I ended up accidentally flashing my husbands best friend. So, I understand. It will get better and I now actually find the regular suit much better for swimming in the pool.

Megan said...

WHOA! Hilarious. and thanks for sharing- I'd be mortified. Don't let the black suit go to waste- wear it over the ones that actually fit right and it will provide some resistance (swimmers call this a "drag suit").

DRog said...

Hahahaha

Nice show!!

195:)

sisterbison said...

oh my gosh! I'm so glad you are already able to see the humor in this! And, btw, perfect title to the post:)

She said I need a goal said...

I can't stop laughing and I love you more than ever now.. OMG too freaking funny! You know what that lifeguard was going as soon as his shift was over..

Chris said...

Too funny! And wow, 90 minute drive to the pool...I have NO excuses!

Mike said...

Best story I've heard in a long time! :)

atltrihollywood said...

I swam half my first season in a pair of jammers that the chlorine had eaten through, making them completely see through except for the important parts(thanks only to the front having a double layer). No one told me, and the LG's, girls my own age 99% of the time, always had a goofy smile on their faces when I got out after my set. I thought it was a good thing...until I discovered my suit was transparent.

Big Daddy Diesel said...

I laughed so hard I snorted, who knew I could snort

AND

your google ad has a bikini ad on right now as well

Christi said...

OMG that is just too funny, sorry!

FranP said...

Omg, how awful... but funny! ;) You handled the whole thing so well!!! Much better than I would have.

Glenn Jones said...

Impressive that you drive that distance to get to a pool. No wonder you're a triathlete. Now to go search Youtube.....

Jason said...

Today wasn't supposed to be a core day but it is now as I can't stop laughing. OMG.....

Seriously though you are one strong swimmer to stroke and push, stroke and push....

misszippy said...

That is hilarious! Clearly giving new meaning to breast stroke! I've had Splish suits before...love their designs but they're not a good fit for me either (although I haven't had THAT problem!)

Krista said...

Too funny!!

Jon said...

OMG Mandy!!!!!! I don't even know what to say....

other than

OMG!!!!!

HEATHER @ runfastermommy! said...

hahahahaha! Oh girl I'm sorry to hear but that's freaking hysterical! It's times like these I'm thankful for my itty bitty "girls". LOL!

Cathy Beaudoin, Ph.D., MBA, CPA and Triathlete said...

THIS is why we all do triathlon. Priceless, absolutely priceless.

Colleen said...

OH. MY. GOSH!!!

Best line - "do one stroke, and my left boob is out of my suit. What? I push it back in and do another stroke. Right boob, out of the suit. Seriously? Get back in there you. "

You poor thing...

glutenfreetri said...

I hate that I laughed so hard at this one, (you know the whole laughing WITH you thing) but seriously, thank you for giving me a great Sunday night giggle!!

Kiersten said...

Thank you for the chuckle. That is awful. Good for you for getting back in the pool and not running for the hills!

P said...

Funniest. Story. Ever.
That lifeguard is probably going to be begging for overtime, waiting to see you again...

Jess @ THIR said...

Ahhh, I've had a few moments like that :) I am very long in the body, so most of the time, swimwear malfunctions on me.
I wear a top from a two piece as well to prevent this happening, as it seems to happen to me in EVERY SINGLE pair of bathers I buy!!

I feel your pain. I would have left, lol.

Andy Rosebrook said...

Look on the bright side, I bet you made the lifeguards entire week.

Jamie said...

L O V E it. THis post has me cracking up.

I'm adding this to the list of things that I don't have to worry about as a guy. Thankfully no matter now small some of my suits are, they all do a solid job of keeping all my man bits covered.

LittleRachet said...

How do boobs just pop out?? I have lots of splish suits. Do I just not have enough boob to have them pop out? Never having had boobs big enough to pop out of anything, I'm very confused. :) LOL

Austin said...

you can't make that up.

which model splish suit was this? - in case i need to buy a gift for someone.

ONEHOURIRONMAN said...

Funny!
It would have been even better if there were two or three guards holding up numbers... like between 1 and 10. A definite photo op.
You need to work on this before IMLP.. if you perfect it, you might get a big head start...

Aimee said...

OMG!!! That is crazy! I can't believe that happened! Thank God you had your other suit with you!
I've thought about getting the grab bag thing too, but never have b/c I'm really particular about the fit of my suits (I'm really self-conscious and literally spend hours trying on suits trying to find the "perfect" one!) What splish model was it??

Joel said...

I can only imagine what the lifeguards twitter, facebook, and blog comments were after your little "episode"...

:-)

The Green Girl said...

I can't stop laughing at your expense!

Jamoosh said...

Laughing on a Monday morning is good - thanks!

Anonymous said...

OMG Mandy! You kill me! And I can totally see that happening. Just think how much more of a 'work-out' you got out of it. Thankfully it didn't happen in the lake or you might have caught a salmon. Steph

Copychic said...

Oh no! That sounds awful! But I won't lie- also hysterical. You probably made that kid's day.

B.o.B. said...

You made some dudes very happy at the pool.

Black Knight said...

No standing ovation in the pool? The men are changing....

Anne-Marie said...

I am laughing out loud, but sorry you had to go through that! It's a good thing you had the extra suit with you!

Velma said...

Freakin hillarious!!!!!

pollymac said...

Dude, true freestyle! You made my day today...twice! Thanks for that!

Regina said...

I seriously hate to laugh at your expense, but that is too funny. Even the visual picture you created I think will stay with me for a long time, ha!

You know that kid told all the other guards at the pool, right? They'll be waiting for you. Remind me to stay away from Splish suits.

Ange said...

Mandy!!! OMG I'm cracking UP! what was the Deal w/that suit???? you should have put that in your TP log. :) You are too funny!!!

MissFit Island said...

Without a doubt - that is the funniest thing I have heard in a long, long time. I am still laughing.

Mer! said...

WOW I am SOOOO late in commenting on this..but OH MY GOD!!! I am totally mouth-jaw open. BEST.SWIM.STORY.EVER!! EVER!! I don't even know you and this is the best one!!

So awesome of you to finally wear a real swim suit and that happens, OH MAN......you did AWESOME though!!!!

Ok, I've worn Splish for quite a while, Amanda Lovato-my coach is sponsored by them, so they've made all my race outfits/swimsuits....they're an awesome group, Dawn and Ira----you HAVE to email them to let them know, they may help you out with maybe a free suit just out of sheer empathy, and then also maybe try to figure out what was up with that suit!! =0

Hope you are hanging in there ok....AND just to let you know you're pretty bad ass--driving 80-90 miles to the pool......man, I need to shut up and get swimming!

Bryan Payne said...

M, whoever designed that bathing suit is an absolute......genius. haha

B

Laura Wheatley said...

TOO FUNNY!!

Carrie said...

I just discovered this post (and your blog) - courtesy of P at The Adventures of An Average Athlete. I just wanted to tell you how much I loved this post - I literally laughed until I cried! You're a great writer and I'm your newest blog stalker as a result :)

Amanda@runninghood said...

This post is hilarious! I wish I was better about keeping up on blogs because I could have read this a long time ago. :) Too funny!

Matty O said...

LOL at Bryan's comment.

Honestly, I always wondered how those things stayed in some girls' suits... now you have answered that riddle for me.

Too funny, of all people I think you would have handled it the best haha!

So is that suit in your regular rotation now?!